It was a dark and stormy night. Fitful gusts of wind blew the incessant rain in stinging torrents. A fierce bolt of lighting split the inky darkness, briefly bathing the bleak countryside in stark white. And overlooking the valley, and silhouetted on a rocky crag....The castle Deskus. The windows in the main tower shone with a sickly yellow light. Dr. Otto Deskus and his faithful assistant Igor were working late. Deskus was feverishly adjusting settings on the massive, dangerous looking equipment that lined the catwalk circling the laboratory. A Tesla coil buzzed bright blue in the dim candle light. The air smelled of ozone. "Hurry Igor! The storm is almost directly overhead." "Yes master!" answered Igor from the main floor, where he was busy lugging heavy cables to a raised platform in the center of the room. The platform had a table in its center, and on that table rested a still sinister form, covered by a sheet. Igor plugged the huge electrodes at the end of each cable into receptacles at the base of the table. Ominously large and heavily insulated electrical busses ran from the receptacles, and disappeared under the sheet. "Ready Master!" called Igor. "Excellent!" cried Dr. Deskus, "Raise the platform. Igor moved dutifully to a huge windlass on the north wall. The cast-iron pawl clattered against its gear as he took up the slack in the rusty chain. Then, straining, Igor began to work in earnest, and the platform and its macabre cargo slowly rose towards the ceiling. Deskus ran to a lever and pulled. High overhead, the glass-domed roof peeled back, letting in a torrent of rain. Lightning flashed across the sky, and thunder boomed, rattling the ancient window panes. "Faster Igor!" Called Deskus. Igor was too busy to answer as he sweated and strained. The top of the platform slowly disappeared through the hole in the ceiling. Deskus manipulated another control, and a huge lightning rod rose above the still figure. Only the metal bands securing the bulky form to the table kept the sheet from whipping off into the storm. Its edges snapped and fluttered as the platform was exposed to the full force of the gale. Finally the windlass slammed against its stop, and Igor fell back gasping. "Good work Igor," called the doctor, "And now my creation shall live! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! At that instant a blinding shaft of energy jumped down from the clouds, and enveloped the tip of the lightning rod. The laboratory lit as if in bright daylight. The equipment lining the walls chattered and buzzed. A shower of sparks flew across the room, followed by shards of glass as meters broke and beakers shattered. Deskus noticed none of it. His gaze was fixed rapturously on the platform high above, where the mysterious figure bucked and shuddered, bathed in an eerie glow. And as quick as that, it was over. Darkness returned, pierced only by the glow of the Tesla coil. The wind had blown all the candles out. "Lower the platform Igor, but carefully!" called Dr. Deskus out of the darkness. "Yes master." Wheezed Igor, and got to work. As soon as the platform cleared the opening, Deskus closed the ceiling and went about relighting the candles. By the time he was done, the platform was back on the ground. Deskus ran to it eagerly. Igor followed with a bit more trepidation. The sheet was blackened and charred, and the electrical busses were fading from a glowing red, sputtering and hissing as the last of the rain was burned away. Up rushed the doctor, and then stopped close to the platform, almost as if he was afraid of what he might find. "All the years." He muttered under his breath, "all the work, the study." Was it all in vain? He could hardly bear to look. And then the question was answered for him. The figure under the sheet moved! Tears of joy formed in Dr. Deskus' eyes. "It's alive! It's alive!" He exclaimed, and, reaching up in triumph, drew the sheet away from the creature's face. Handsome, chiseled features and a steady gaze met his expectant stare. The creature's hair was jet black, finely styled, and not a strand was out of place. "Good morning, Doctor," it said. "You speak..You know me!" Gasped Doctor Deskus. "Yes, and your little hunchbacked friend, too." Replied the creature. Igor was backing away fearfully, eyes wide. The creature looked down, curling its lip slightly at the tattered and charred sheet. A finely manicured hand snaked out and ripped the thick metal fetters away with no noticeable effort. It then bunched up the sheet and tossed it aside. The creature was wearing a perfectly tailored sport jacket and slacks, over a freshly pressed light blue button-down and silver tie. Its shoes looked Italian. It sprang down from the table, and paced quickly to one side of the laboratory. Then it turned, placed its hand on its chin, and regarded the puzzled Deskus with a thoughtful stare. After a few seconds, the creature spoke: "Forget anything you ever promised anyone." It said, "Split Inventor into two products. Keep the lesser one for your regular subscription twerps. Put a couple of half-baked features in the other and charge extra for it. Call it Inventor Pro!" "Oh no!" Wailed Igor, falling to his knees and hiding his face in his hands. Dr. Deskus stood stunned for a minute, then recovered. "Igor, you imbecile!" He shouted. "You used the flawed brain from that marketing guy the villagers hung! I wanted the engineer's brain! The engineer's brain!!!" "Too late." remarked the creature, casually bending a thick cast iron handrail with one bare hand. "Trust me, the users will love it. We'll just tell them it's really for their own good, and that the next release will be better." "I'm sorry master!" sobbed Igor. "Great heavens," said Deskus, "I've created a monster!" Just then, a ruckus built up outside the great double doors on the laboratory floor. They burst open, admitting a grim crowd of villagers from the valley. They had armed themselves as best they could, with pitchforks, scythes and clubs. Simpleton Modeler was in the lead, with a torch in one hand and a steel pipe in the other. "Ah, here they are now." said the monster casually. Simpleton took in the bizarre tableau, and his angry eyes fixed on the Doctor. "Deskus, what have you done?" He asked through clenched teeth. "Oh, don't be too hard on the good Doctor," said the monster, "any bureaucracy eventually creates something like me. It's quite inevitable." "Monster," said Deskus gathering himself, "I am your creator! I order you back to your table!" "Shove off, old man." it replied. "You're not in charge any more. There's no way I can be controlled once I've been created." "Deskus, do something!" yelled Simpleton. "I'm afraid it's right," replied the doctor sadly. "I can't control it; it' s taken on a life of its own." "We'll fight it then!" cried Simpleton, brandishing his steel pipe. An enraged chorus answered the affirmative from behind him. "How cute," said the monster. "But before you do, I'd just like to say that your concerns are a matter of great importance to me. I am vitally interested in your feedback, and firmly believe that significant dialog and user participation are vital to Inventor's continued success. "OoooOOOOhh!" moaned Igor from where he had collapsed on the floor. Simpleton was rubbing his temples, looking pained. "S-Stop that!" He said. "Furthermore," said the monster, "it is absolutely essential that future concerns be addressed in a timely manner to leverage the greatest gains from our partnership." Somewhere out in the courtyard a pitchfork clattered to ground. Sounds of retching were heard. The pipe slipped from Simpleton's numbed fingers. He struggled to make his eyes focus. The monster continued its sinister attack: "I'd also like to assure you that we continue to keep the needs of the users foremost in our strategy. Our goal is to form a unique and robust new paradigm of functionality with enhanced focus on targeting user-specific incremental progressions and proactive strategies for upcoming releases to empower interaction and facilitate positive and effective methodologies." Just behind Simpleton, a user fell to the ground. His eyes rolled back in his head as he twitched and foamed at the mouth. Igor had curled up a fetal position. "Retreat!" cried Simpleton swaying on unsteady feet, "We'll regroup and come back with earplugs!" The mob quickly turned into a rout. They scrambled out of the castle, dragging their wounded with them as best they could. The courtyard was a jumble of discarded farm implements and sputtering torches. The monster regarded the open doorway in amusement for a moment, then calmly walked over and closed the double doors. "That was brave, but foolish." It said. "Now, where was I...?" Will the users get their just due? Will Otto Deskus put a leash on the marketing monster? Who will win the fight for the future of Inventor? Tune in next time when we'll hear Userla Friendly say: "Bride schmide; I'm not going near that thing." Walt Jaquith